The Mecha of Haruhi Suzumiya
by SubZeroGreymon
Summary: Kyon gets his own giant robot, Mikuru is a spy for a rival company, Itsuki is Kyon's closest ally, Nagato is a hyper nutjob, and Haruhi's... Haruhi. Yeah. How the characters of HS would work in a mecha setting.


There once was a time I believed in ESPers, time travelers, and aliens. I searched long and hard for them, always believing that somewhere, they might be looking for me. Reality can be so cruel at times, and that fact hit me a few days before High School started. I abandoned all hope of finding them to fit into society. I had become used to the routine of this world.

Then, some crazy shit happened, and suddenly I'm piloting a robot the size of a small building, fighting an alien monster the size of a slightly bigger building.

Well, might as well explain things from the beginning...

**The Mecha of Haruhi Suzumiya**  
><strong>Chapter 1: Busting 'Bots, Taking Names, and all the While being a Snarker.<strong>

Well, it was week three at my new high school and - oh, wait, I didn't introduce myself. My name is Kyon, although it isn't really my name. To be honest, I think my own parents forgot my name years ago. But I digress.

Well, I could continue on with this portion of the story, but it's not really important, so let's jump forward a week later, when the story got REALLY out of control...

"Hey, Kyon!"

That voice belonged to a girl about my age, with somewhat short brown hair and an orange hairband with two ribbons. Her name is Haruhi Suzumiya, AKA The school's resident supernatural enthusiast.

"So, I haven't gotten any evidence yet, but I think some sort of supernatural accident is behind the lack of news we've been getting about America's exploits, recently," Haruhi spoke with an interested tone, "You have any comment?"

Did I mention she's always blaming stuff on supernatural occurrences? Even periods.

"None at all," I replied sarcastically, "Why don't you go asking someone else?"

"Maybe I will!" Haruhi snapped back, then walked away.

I never understood why she likes following me around. Must be my hair or something. Although she may have a point on the lack of activity from America lately. Usually, they'd be trying to leech off of other countries for something, but it died down suddenly about three weeks ago. I wonder why...

* * *

><p>The next day, and the teacher was bored again.<p>

"Class, we have a new transfer student from America," The teacher moaned, "How interesting."

"Well, hello there," The new student smiled, "My name is Itsuki Koizumi. I hope we have a wonderful time here, and I will answer any questions you may pose."

Only one hand shot up - Haruhi's.

"Hello, my name is Haruhi Suzumiya," She said, "I heard you're from America. What's that like?"

"Nothing special."

"Could you explain the reason why America hasn't been doing anything lately?" Haruhi asked.

"Well, you can't really blame it," Itsuki replied, "What, with the whole being-wiped-off-the-map and everything."

Wiped off the map?

"Socially," Itsuki added, "Nothing but serious people with no creativity and nerds everywhere. Totally not destroyed by aliens."

"I don't know..." Haruhi rubbed her chin, "The not-being destroyed by aliens part is a bit... suspicious."

Just then, I noticed something off in the distance...

'ALL CIVILIANS ARE TO EVACUATE THE CITY. GET TO THE NEAREST SHELTER IMMEDIATELY."

Oh, what now?

* * *

><p>As everyone rushed to a nearby shelter, I decided not to go. I wanted to see what was up, and I wasn't about to allow Haruhi get killed by her own curiosity.<p>

As I evaded the shelters, I saw something approaching.

A massive blue humanoid creature, standing the height of at least a standard apartment block. And it was looking at me.

IT was LOOKING at ME. HOLY SHIT.

Suddenly, I was nearly run over by... a limo? The door opened to reveal none other then Itsuki himself.

"Hi there," Itsuki smiled, "Sorry I'm late."

"Wait," I spoke, "Why are you here?"

"We're here to save your ass!" A blue-haired girl appeared behind me and shoved me in, before hopping in herself.

"Where are you taking me?" I yelled.

Two words left his mouth.

"To Paradise."

In hindsight, it was one of the stupider things I said, but the words were quite simple:

"You're not gonna rape me, are you?"

"No, shut up," The girl replied as the Limo drove away from the giant.

* * *

><p>As the limo pulled into the mysterious underground base I have no time to describe, Itsuki and the girl walked out with me in tow.<p>

"Where the hell am I?" I asked.

"Welcome, Kyon," Itsuki spoke, "To the IDTE Agency."

"IDTE?"

"Integrated Defenses of Time and Energy."

"That name makes little sense," I commented, "Is IDTE short for something else?"

"No, shut up," The girl replied, "And here we are."

As I looked up, I saw a robot the size of a smaller apartment building.

"It looks like a cross between a Knightmare Frame and Eva 01," I observed.

"Shut up," The girl growled, "This is the Battle Robot SOS-Beta, built to combat Celestials, the blue thing you saw back there."

"And you're telling me this BECAUSE...?" I asked.

"You have the highest sync ratio in Japan in accordance to Beta," Itsuki replied.

"Sync ratio?"

"Don't you watch Evangelion?"

"I used to."

* * *

><p>I entered the cockpit, which looked a lot like a combination of a Knightmare Frame's and Gurren Lagann's.<p>

"Looks simple enough," I spoke sarcastically.

"It's based on your thoughts, but your motions can help," Itsuki replied over the communicator.

"Are you going to fill this thing up with some liquid oxygen?" I asked, being stupid again.

"No, shut up," The girl replied, "Now, syncing brainwaves!"

I felt a small feeling of seeing out of the eyes of a giant robot, but I dismissed it.

"BATTLE ROBOT SOS-BETA..." a technician spoke, "LAUNCH NOW!"

I suddenly felt momentum hitting my body, as the robot rocketed toward the surface.

This must be what Shinji felt like in the launching catapult...


End file.
